I started this series shortly after dissolving my last relationship. I was on an emotional rollercoaster where I went from blaming myself to depression to anger. This was the first time I ever experienced that level of anger and it was alarming to me. The domestic violence advocate I was working with told me the anger was a normal part of my healing process. But there I was thinking how the heck can my desire to take someone’s life be a natural part of my healing process? I mean, shouldn’t someone be calling the on-call psychiatrist or something?
I recognized that I needed healing more than ever. I also acknowledged that something was wrong and I needed to figure out what that something was so I could change it. I was with someone who hurt me repeatedly in the worst ways. I trusted him, which was something I hadn’t given to a man since my last marriage ended. He was someone I had a lot of history with from childhood and was familiar with some of my family members.
This was a man who witnessed a lot of my childhood struggles and for some silly reason I believed he would never intentionally cause me pain. We seemed to be on the same spiritual path with the same goals in mind. However, after all these years despite history, this man still didn’t know who I was and we obviously weren’t on the same path.
When I started writing this series I began to understand the magnitude of the impact my mothers past had on my life and my ability to establish healthy relationships. Years ago at a family members funeral, God allowed me to see the generational bondage that had my mothers family in shackles. The bondage I saw stemmed as far back as the days of slavery and continued to move forward. I saw patterns in behavior, generational pain, dysfunction, resentment and stagnancy. In the spirit realm I saw my grandmother weeping and I felt an entire generation of people who also wept.
It was clear to me that the weeping was not due to the death of my aunt, whom we were burying. They were weeping due to the condition of our family which is what I saw as I investigated my grandmother pacing and weeping. This was the first time I could see and feel generational bondage. Whats so amazing about healing is when healing goes forth it breaks chains and opens doors for healing for those around you too! The extension of healing links seven generations back and seven generations forward.
If you read part one of “My Relationship with Abuse” you recall me discussing how generation bondage reared its ugly face beginning with my mother and continued to move forward poisoning the next generation of children. My children have been impacted by my past, but I thank God the impact isn’t as severe as it was on my life. My oldest son feels this impact more than my other children and the residue tends to surface as anger and a lack of healthy boundaries.
I have had the opportunity to see chains broken off my 13 year old daughter as I have been undergoing my personal transformation. My daughter has such a pure heart and she is very creative. I can see her doing great things as she grows into a mature young adult and recognize her purpose in life. It is my deepest desire to give my children freedom from the constraints that restricted my life and the ability to live abundantly.
In the next post, I’ll discuss my new model for creating healthy relationships from friendships to intimate partner relationships.